Flirting With Death
by Rayless Night
Summary: It was supposed to be about true love. Right.


_Author's Note: I have written two versions of the infamous Yuga Mountain episode - this is for male Revya. Yes, I've actually acknowledged his existence, for about ten pages. Female Revya's adventure is a separate story under a separate title._

_Disclaimer: __Soul Nomad and the World Eaters__ is the property of Nippon Ichi Software. Rating is for language and suggestive themes. In the fanfics "Being Closer" and "Her Reply", Acerbus Wings suggested that Gig and Revya would both have control over their shared body, an idea I've borrowed for this story alone.  
_

* * *

**Flirting With Death**

"Look, I don't really care whose fault it is anymore, okay? I'm over it."

_Always backing out of arguments, kid. Pfft. You were raised wrong._

"Anyway, the town's right over there. Let's just get it over with."

_You're the one slowing us down. It's almost enough to make me think you didn't want to find a -_ "Hey, why the hell are _you_ the one doing all the talking? Kick back and let me handle this." Revya knew better than to argue - but that didn't mean he agreed to what Gig had said either. And Gig knew better than to assume so. They walked together under the village's front gate. Very much together.

_Okay, let's see,_ Gig mentally muttered under his breath. _Shit, this place is too small to support a brothel. Well, there's always a village slut, let's see if we can find her._

_There's always a village slut? _Revya repeated, raising his - their - whoever's left eyebrow._ I don't remember one from home._

_Because they never told you, pansyass_.

_Why does she have to be the slut? Can't we just find a normal girl?_

Gig stopped them in their tracks. _Kid, no normal girl is going to help a freak with a story like ours. Now let's see about that one...Crap, she's missing like four teeth._

_I have to wonder-_

_No, you don't._

_Well, did you notice how nobody back home was willing to help us? Not even Danette?_

_And you have no idea how grateful I am for that. Shit, going up Yuga Mountain to perform a test of true love with Bossie the Belligerent Bovine. _

_Yeah, but she was passing us off on Juno and Trish...She never used to be this unhelpful._

_She knew I'd sooner kill her than declare true love. Now then... Okay, there's a pair of X chromosones._

_...You aren't going to explain what a chromosone is, are you?_

_No. Now, mosey on over._

_I thought you said this was your body._

_Well, stop dragging its feet already!_

Revya moved towards the girl, a young blonde who was drawing water up from the public well. Then he stopped. _Hold on. Let me handle this._

_Excuse me?_

_C'mon, Gig, you have to admit your track record with girls is pretty lame._

_Come again?_

_Danette hates you, Juno hates you and your guts, Layna talks down to you, Euphoria laughs at you, and Trish just sees the best in everyone._

_Tch. So what? You think I can't wrap her around my mighty finger?_

_In fact, the only female you vaguely get along with is Lady Virtuous._ Revya thought a moment. _Damn, Gig, that's sad. Though I gotta say, you get along better with girls than guys._

_Uh huh, kid. While you're, what, screwing girls right and left? When you're not doing Virtubitch's gruntwork or being harassed by the cow?_

_Hey, you remember what Juno said-_

_When you were nannying all the fish babies? Way manly. She just wants someone to help fill the world with more psychotic Nereids, and hell knows you're patsy enough to do it._

_Look, we have a better chance if I do the talking. Or are you enjoying our current situation?_

_Oh you could _kill_ with that wit, kid. _Revya knew better than to answer, especially as Gig's voice took an unsettlingly cheerful turn. _But hey, if you think you've got a chance with blondie, go for it. I'll be taking notes._

Revya sighed, cleared their throat, then walked towards the girl, unconsciously pitching his voice to a slightly deeper register. "Hi."

The girl looked up and blinked once, her brown eyes expressionless.

Revya swallowed, aware that Gig could feel his nervousness. Where to start? Honestly, his best friend was a girl. This shouldn't be a problem. Of course, with Danette, he'd never had to walk up to her and attempt to casually proposition her. No. Not proposition her. Just get help. It probably wouldn't involve sex anyway. It was about True Love, right?

_You might try tossing out a name, _Gig drawled in the back of his brain._ Unless you want to go by Big Sweaty Nimrod._

Revya rubbed the back of their neck. "Our - my name's Re - er - Gi - er - Gigya."

She raised her eyebrow. "Yeah. Okay. So?"

Maybe if he pretended she was Danette... Crap, no way. Okay, Trish. No, Trish wouldn't be tapping her foot like that. "Er...d'you wanna go up Yuga Mountain with me?"

She blinked again. Then turned and walked away.

_Fascinating,_ said Gig._ So next you're going to follow her home and peer through her window like a socially-inept stalker?_ _This is very enlightening. Maybe - maybe someday - I'll be able to pick up girls just like you!_

Revya sighed again, but it was more a sigh of relief. _Let's see you do better._

_Then shut up and start watching._ And with that, their body sauntered over towards a brunette who was sweeping her front porch. She straightened as they approached, tucking a dark curl behind her ear. "Hey," Gig said, raising their eyebrow.

The girl cocked her head to one side. "You were trying to pick up Tania."

Gig shrugged. "Don't live in the past."

"I don't like being second choice." She crossed her arms. "Why did you want her to go up Yuga Mountain? That sounds pretty suspicious."

Gig put their hands in their pockets and leaned back. Revya could tell he was stalling. _Well, Gig? Not used to having to act unsuspicious?_

_No backseat driving._ "What a dirty little mind you have. Maybe I like that."

She slammed the door in their face.

_Way unsuspicous,_ Revya commented.

_Change of plan. Next girl we see, we're just throwing her over our shoulder and going mountaineering. We can woo her on the way._

_Gig-_

_C'mon, priss, you got a better method?_

_Gig, I'm not gonna-_

_There's one now. Let's go._

_Hey - wait -_

But Gig, with his more forceful personality, seemed to have won over their body, and it was striding purposefully towards a willowy figure who was tying a beribboned phynx to a hitching post - a Draconess.

_Crap - Gig - remember Kanan!_

The Dracon frowned as they approached her, pale gold eyes troubled. "Excuse me, do you mind - Eeek!"

Revya summoned his firmest, least-used tone. "Gig - _Gig_ - put the girl down."

Gig slung her over their shoulder and began running. "Stop bitching at me. I'm doing this for both of us!"

"The tombstone isn't going to go for this! It's gonna turn us into women next - or vegetables - or something!"

"Maybe it'll turn you into someone useful, or - Hey, babe? You alive up there?"

They could feel her twist around to look at the back of their head. "Are you schizo?"

"If only," Gig snarked.

"So you're a schizophrenic sex freak?"

"I can't speak for the kid, but no."

"We just need a woman's help," Revya started.

"I'll say," the Dracon said. "You need a lot of people's help."

They were out of the town by then, approaching the slopes of Yuga. "You aren't struggling like a spastic trout anymore," Gig observed as they slowed to a walk.

"I'm hoping you'll put me down."

"Tough shit."

_According to your plan._ Revya said, _this is where we begin wooing her._

_Hey, I acquired the female. You serve up the mush._

"Look," Revya said trying to make his voice come smoothly and casually (in his head, he could hear Gig's derisive snort), "we're sorry about this. It's just a really bad situation."

"Is it?" the Dracon asked, drumming her nails - rather hard - against their back. "Is it really?"

Revya tried for an easy laugh - and realized he was attempting to imitate Endorph. Crap. "Yeah...er, see, my friend and I were up in the mountains - that's Gig. He's the, er-"

"-dynamic one," Gig supplied. "And the babyfaced washout is Revya."

Her voice was sweet. "Lovely names." She drummed her nails harder.

Revya plowed on. "And we found this crazy tombstone. And...well, it cursed us."

"With your charming dispositions?"

"Watch it, girlie," Gig growled.

"There are really two of us." Revya could feel his voice getting louder, either with earnestness or desperation. "My body vanished, or it sort of osmosed into Gig's... See, we just want to get back to normal, but the tombstone requires a test of true love, and, well..."

"Oh, I love you," the Dracon said, looking at her nails. "I love you both."

"You want me to dump you over the mountainside?" Gig asked.

"I especially love_ you_."

"I'm really sorry about this," Revya went on. "But we're desperate. No one at home wanted to help." _Damn Danette. So much for best friends._

"So you want me to fall in love with you while we walk up the mountain?"

"Er..."

"Seriously, how can you resist us? We're more man than you can handle," Gig said. Revya, as well as he knew Gig, couldn't tell whether or not he was joking.

"Well, how's this for a start: put me down."

_Gig -_ Revya put on the stern voice again.

_Fine. We can outrun her anyway._ With little grace, he dropped their right shoulder, letting her flump to the mountain path.

The Dracon stood up, brushing dirt off her skirt. "Well, if we're going to be in love, I need to know a little bit about you."

They blinked. "I don't trust this," Gig said.

She gestured, her long sleeves flapping. "You jerks aren't going to let me get away until the curse is broken, right? So let's just get through this as soon as possible."

"That makes sense," said Revya,

"She's trying to lure us into a false sense of security," said Gig.

"I can't get away from you. You're heavier and stronger than me. Even if I ran, you'd probably catch right back up. So why not get this over with?"

Gig tapped their foot for a moment. Revya stayed silent, letting the decision rest with the ex-god. Finally, Gig pointed up the mountain path. "March."

The Dracon crossed her arms and commenced marching, Gig taking up the rear, probably to make sure she didn't bolt.

"What's your name?" Revya asked.

"Sandira." She glanced back. "My turn for a question. What're your thoughts on children?"

"Huh? This - this isn't supposed to be a permanent arrangement."

She sighed, throwing her hands out again. "I'm just trying to get to know you."

"Er...Kids are great." Actually, Revya was fantastic with kids; Juno hadn't invited him down during the baby boom just to proposition him; however, he couldn't toot his own horn, and it was unlikely Gig would do it for him.

"Whiny little shits," was what Gig said. "Who needs them? They're just there to replace you when you die, and that's one thing I don't intend to do."

"Okay, good with kids," she murmured. "What do you think of traveling?"

Revya shrugged. "Sure. Anywhere."

"Anywhere but here," Gig muttered.

"Perfect. Me too."

"That's good," said Revya.

"Can you feel the love tonight?" Gig deadpanned.

* * *

After several hours, few rests, and many more questions from Sandira, they found themselves at the tombstone, its shadow cast across them from the light of the symbolically setting sun.

"So..." Revya looked to either side. "Tell me there's a dragon we have to kill or something."

However, Gig turned their body sharply around, towards Sandira. "True love time. Pucker up."

She raised her eyebrow. "I'm only going to kiss you. Nothing else. After that, you're on your own."

"Don't think we're disappointed," Gig shot back, spreading their arms. Frowning, she walked towards them. After a moment's thought, she put her hands on their shoulders. Gig hesitated, so Revya put their hands on her waist. It made a very pretty picture.

Sandira took a deep breath. "I-" she stopped herself mid-eyeroll "-love you."

"I-" Gig started. "I'm sure you do."

"I love you too," Revya interjected, hoping it sounded reasonably genuine.

They smooched.

The stone glimmered.

They stood staring at it for quite a long time.

Nothing happened.

Sandira clapped her hands softly and let out a sigh of relief.

Gig wheeled on her. "Shit! You're not a man, are you?"

She looked startled, then a smile spread across her face. "No. But - you have to admit - it's great that it didn't work."

"I don't have to admit a friggin' thing!"

"Damn," Revya said. "What went wrong? Granted, none of us really love each other, but..."

"Stop trying to dissect the situation, kid. As for you-" Gig turned back to Sandira. "Mind explaining why you think this is such a good thing?"

Sandira laced her fingers together. "Well, I run a phynx circus - you saw the phynx I was with? But I've been meaning to bring in some new attractions for a while now. And really, you two are very..." she trailed off as she looked them up and down "...attractive."

"Let's get out of here," said Revya, and made to turn away.

"Now, don't be unhelpful." Sandira lifted her arms.

The next thing they knew, Gig and Revya had whipped around, back in front of Sandira, the Dracon had crafted a length of pink magic between her hands, formed it into a loop, and slung it around them, constricting them like an anaconda.

_Dammit - a Schemestress!_

_Dammit, kid - a totally obvious observation!_

"Perfect," Sandira said, smiling at them. "Revgig, the amazing body with two souls! Singing, dancing and cooking demonstrations. Two copper coins a ticket." Her smile brightened. "Children will love you."

_C'mon, kid! We can break outta this!_

_No problem._

_Just - concentrate-_

The magic loop twanged apart with enough force to poke a dragon's eye out.

"Okay," Gig said, fists clenched, breathing hard. "Now the fun beings."

Sandira took a step back, glanced to the right, glanced to the left, then tore away down the mountain path, hair flying behind her.

"Pity," Gig said between gritted teeth. "I was going to bend her spine into the shape of my name."

"So..." Revya said after a long moment, "is this what they call a Bad Ending?"

Gig swung around, starting down the path they'd just walked. "There are Worse Endings, kid."

"Now what?"

"Always crying to me, huh? Poor widdle baby. No wonder you said you're fine with children." Gig leaned back and stretched. "We're heading home. We'll find another way to break the curse."

"Maybe."

"Enough of your pessimism. Dammit, you're always dragging us down, you know that? Always bitching and complaining..."

"Right, sure. Hey, you hungry?"

"Sure am, soulmate. Let's go find a village to raid."

"Hm...I dunno. How about a circus caravan?"


End file.
